Three out of Five California Teens Can't Find Oregon on Map
SAN FRANCISCO, California — A recent study of California teens reveals that the majority can't identify the neighboring state of Oregon on a U.S. map. The research findings confirms what scientists suspected, that Californians are consumed by their own interests. Asked who the "leader of Oregon" was, an overwhelming majority of teenage respondants selected the multiple-choice answer: "Governor Tommy Tuck." One respondent, who requested "an anomoly — in case people think I don't know stuff" complained that, "It was like a trick question... I mean, it's just not fair to make a possible answer more realistic than the real answer."
Many Californians Unable to Operate Umbrellas
The operation of a simple umbrella might be a no-brainer for most people who live in regions with real levels of precipitation, but not so in Southern California, claims a new study. The journal Weather or Not simulated rainstorms for subjects groups from within and outside of Southern California. Results showed a clear disability to operate the basics functions of an umbrella, leading to opening times that were 40-60% slower than their counterparts; and there was a subset of the SoCal group that was described as "acutely panicked" and was unable to open an umbrella at all under pressure.
Californians Get High on Leafblowers
Bakersfield, Calif. — Four out of ten Californians confess to ‘getting a slight buzz’ from the fumes of 2-stroke gas powered leafblowers. Now illegal in the state of California, a single leafblower emits more particulate matter and gas pollutants than several cars. The ubiquitous devices have become the tool of choice by landscapers, and many state residents admit they'll miss them. Respondents to the LaLa Times survey said that if police ever enforced the existing laws, that people would instead be most likely to get their kicks by either “sniffing kitty litter” or “doing a tabasco sauce colon cleansing.”
