HOLLYWOOD — Contrary to popular belief, and in stark contrast to the glitzy Hollywood ending where E.T. the extra-terrestrial returns home, the bitter truth is that he never returned home at all. He has, in fact, been holed up in a studio apartment near the corner of Vermont Avenue and Wilshire Boulevard.

 Evidently, the beloved alien E.T. did initially phone home frequently in the 1970s, but incurred long-distance roaming charges that he was unable to pay off. He took a bartending job at the Lava Lounge in Hollywood and also worked the nightshift as a janitor at a hospital. But the cost of living in Los Angeles proved too great for him.

---

"E.T... no go home... no pay bill. Hollywood... work work work... me so sad... oh no good!"

—E.T.

---

Being naive to earthly ways, he amassed new debts when credit card companies sold him on multiple plans supposedly intended to decrease his interest payments. But they only increased. Similarly, telemarketers sold him on everything from real estate schemes in Nevada to truckloads of disposable phones in Florida

In the 1990s, with the advent of cell phone technology, E.T. was comforted by the promise that he could phone home from anywhere. He realized that he could at least stay in touch with those on his alien home planet until he could settle the score with his creditors and finally leave earth.

E.T. got back in touch with his worried family and reassured them that he'd see them soon. But it wasn't long before the extra-terrestrial incurred steep roaming charges that buried him in a heap of debt —where he's been ever since.

Speaking through an interpreter, E.T. verified these claims, saying, "E.T... alien no go home... no pay bill. Hollywood... work work work... me so sad... oh no good!"