REDDING, Calif. — There are many different ways to find love, and the speed dating phenomenon is one of fastest.  But even faster is the niche dating technique known as crackhead speeddating.

“I found love in 7.9 seconds,” claims one member.

“I found a distributor for my goods in 5.3 seconds!” says another.

“I didn’t find love, but I had great sex in 2.5 seconds!” says a third member.

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“When I had a habit, I was simply making too much money — moving too fast — to make time for love.  Now, even a few extra milliseconds calms me down."
— Jimmy Jiminez, founder/owner of Crackhead Speeddating

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Drug addicts no longer need to cower in secrecy and isolation.  In fact, crackheads all over the Golden State are hooking up for various reasons via the popular new dating service.

Crackheads meet in rundown bars or labs and sit across the table from one another, taking turns asking each other a series of rapid questions, and trying to find out as much about the other person as 10 seconds will permit.  Then they move on to the next crackhead.

Jimmy Jiminez is a former user-turned-entrepreneur.  He’s also the owner of Crackhead Speeddating.  “When I had a habit, I was simply making too much money — moving too fast — to make time for love.  One day, I looked up to the heavens and said, ‘Lord, I’d love to love, but isn’t there a faster way?’  He mentioned speeddating.  So I started up the business.  Since then, we’ve set the world record for finding a life partner: 3.5 seconds!”

Though Jiminez says they carefully screen their members to be sure they’re not just saying they're crackheads, he says they’ve eased up this past year and allowed some recovering addicts to stay with the service.  They’ve also let in a few people with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

“It’s a close enough fit,” says Jiminez. “We wanted to broaden our demographic.  What’s important is that both parties are on the same wavelength: speedy.

“Speaking of which, we’re thinking of starting up a number of franchises for the disenfranchised, like a super slow dating services for depressives.  That’d really help us diversify and serve a wider range of messed up people.”