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Pope's Image Appears On California Beach

Spectators gawk at what they say resembles John Paul II's countenance, miraculously revealed along the Pacific Coast. Skeptics call it "a once-in-a-million fluke of nature."

by George Wolfe

REDONDO BEACH – In what many Southern Californians are calling a divine miracle and others are calling a bunch of bunk, John Paul II's visage allegedly formed in the sand overnight. Scientists were at a loss to explain how it happened.

Witnesses also said that the posthumous pope also moved his dry, sandy mouth and spoke to the crowd about his first impressions of the afterlife.

“The good news is that I made it to heaven. The bad news is that my dear friend Ronald Reagan isn't anywhere to be found. Oh, and you'll never guess: St. Peter is gay!”

— Former Pope John Paul II

"It just totally blew us away," said surfer Stan Aureoli, who was on his way to surf when he joined a small crowd of stunned onlookers. "The guy really looked like a real dude -- right there in the sand!!"

Evidently, John Paul II gave a brief state-of-the-heavens address, describing his personal shock at the latest news about who's in and who's out of heaven.

According to several witness reports, John Paul II said that "The good news is that I made it to heaven. The bad news is that my dear friend Ronald Reagan isn't anywhere to be found. Oh, and you'll never guess: St. Peter is gay! He and Liberace are going steady forever.

"I don't understand. Jesus is here. Buddha is here. Mohammed is here. Where are all the priests, deacons and cardinals?

"'The Johnnies' are all the rage in the heavens right now," according to the ex-pope. "That Johnny Carson fellow and the singer Johnny Cash do a very funny routine together called The Divine Show. Bob Hope and Rodney Dangerfield have another whole routine several clouds over, To Hell With It, that provides all of us with the ightness of spirit necessary to stay up here.

"There are a whole lot of dead rockers up here, and the other night they all gave a very lovely concert including: Ray Charles, Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrisson, Buddy Holly, Kurt Cobain and John Lennon, to name just a few. They say it's just a matter of time before The Beatles are reunited again. I see now what I've been missing out on.

"I keep thinking: Why was I so damned good in life?! In hindsight, I wish I'd had a few more vices."

And with those words, a large wave crashed upon the beach and the pope's image disappeared.

HOLY POPE!: John Paul II's image miraculously formed from sand and pebbles at Redondo Beach, and witnesses swear that he pontificated about the state of heaven.