99 Dollars Only Funerals
LYNWOOD - If you think living is expensive then you should try dying. The cost of funerals and burial costs is skyrocketing - you can currently expect to pay a minimum of $10,000 for either - but an unusual L.A. cemetery has come up with a variety of ways to make dying more affordable. The Ninety-Nine Dollar Only Cemetery can get your loved one into the ground for less than one hundred dollars, but the funerals and burials are far from typical and may be a little uncomfortable for some. Their cost-cutting measures include the use of mass graves, and the selling of body parts. They also make additional money by renting some of the corpses out during Halloween and for certain stunt work. Igor Srzabnyxz, a native of Hungary, owns and operates the cemetery and says he's getting so many bodies he's going to have to open another location. "Last week I had to put a twenty-five people in one grave," says Srzabnyxz. "I couldn't fit all of their names on the headstone so I just used the initials." And the cemetery offers a cremation service too, but you might not exactly get your loved one's ashes back. "We use the bodies for employee barbecues in the summer. I got a little tipsy at the last one and lost track of who was in the there," says Igor.
Large-Breasted Man Sues for Right to Strip
GARDENA, Calif. — When Bob McPherson saw an ad for a topless dancer job, the unemployed and large-breasted McPherson went and applied for it. But when the club, The Hungry Tiger, told him that they were only hiring women (without even seeing how well he danced), he decided to sue the club for discrimination. McPherson won, and he is now shaking his stuff every night. “I was wrong to deny him employment,” says Bobby Rales, the club owner. “After we retrofitted the poles to accommodate his weight, things have been going surprisingly well. He really is a good dancer.” McPherson is now taking in five hundred a night and he’s getting offers to star in man-boob movies. One patron concludes, “He’s got a nice rack and as long as you don’t look at his face or down south and you've had a lot to drink then it's just like watching a woman. Just make sure you don't try stuffing a one down his g-string.”
Genomics Firm Discovers ‘True Love’ Gene
Mountain View, Calif. — Genomics company LuvMe23 now claims to be the first to discover the ‘true love’ gene, identified as DR64788, located in a subordinate section of the hypothalamus. “We’ve found love — literally!” says CEO Angeline Engles. “People will look back at all the human partnering headaches of the last few million years and laugh at all the heart-wringing difficulties. In the end, you’ll find true love in the corresponding genetic information — if they don’t match, forget about it. In the end, it boils down to numbers and a very specific genetic address.” LuvMe23 now offers a Matchmaking Service starting at $10,000 to locate your true love genetic code.
