Go Home! Go Shop! Buy, buy, buy now. Archive this! Link Me! About LaLa (everything you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask)
 


psychoanalytic converter n: a therapist who practices Freudian psychoanalysis on the road Rhonda fought off bad drivers and tears as her ~ really put some tough questions to her. -more-

Power Wash Therapy. Let our experienced pros blow you away!

Buddha's Gym. Become one with any body.

Crackhead Speeddating. Where dedicated addicts find love fast.

Scrotox, 20% off! For wrinkle-free testicles!

Dog Meditation. See the dog, be the God.

Menorah Mountain, 1/2 price! Jews and goys alike are thrilled at this new theme park.

Posthumous Herbal Body Wraps. Beverly Hills Morgue offers elite clientele a special new service.

69









 

 

Bluehost: Looking for a reliable, user-friendly web host for your site?...

Surviving L.A.: Your L.A. Living Resource...

Serious Los Angeles Locksmith: No funny business L.A. when you're locked out. This Serious Los Angeles Locksmith is here to help you start smiling again. ...

 



My Favorite Weekend: Chad Collins
by David Gross



Covering a lot of Ground

If anyone knows how to get from point A to point B, it’s Chad Collins.  You’ve seen him wearing a black suit, driving around town behind the wheel of a Lincoln Towncar.  A native mid-westerner, Collins came to LA two years ago to be an actor.  He calls Southern California home now.  That’s the way he likes it.  “Here I do
what I want.  Nobody knows me.  I have different sides to myself.  You think you know me, but you don’t.”

Slow and Easy

Friday night is for chilling with my girlfriend.  After a long week I try to keep it mellow.  It’s my favorite weekend, so I call my girl Martina.  She expects my call.  “Why didn’t you call me earlier?”  “I’m…”  “Why don’t we ever go out?”  “I…”  “It’s my birthday and you didn’t call.”  “I…”  “I’m not hanging with you any more.  Don’t ever call me.  Go screw yourself.”  Martina’s intense.  We’ve had this fight a hundred times.  We’re hating each other and then she’s sorry and we’re loving each other.  A minute later – it’s her.  “I’ll be over after midnight.”

Fill ‘er Up

Ideally I like to roll out of bed late on Saturday, around 9:30, then I fuel up at the 7-11 on 6th Street near Kenmore.  I like my coffee black, watery and in a white styrofoam cup.  I work out on Saturday but my phone rings – it’s Hermina at the dispatch office.  Code name Elkie McTinkle is flying in from JFK in 30 minutes.  Elkie McTinkle is Christine Sachs who plays Dr. Bowen on Fox’s “House” on Thursday nights at 9 and she’s starring in Warner Bros.’ “The Bank” opening in theaters everywhere on September 14th!!!  She’s landing at LAX in 30 minutes!  I’m on my way!

Elkie recognizes me holding a sign in front of the luggage terminal.  I get her bags, escort her to the car and we’re gliding through the back roads of Baldwin Hills.  Normally I mind my own business, but it’s my favorite weekend.  Between phone conversations I ask Elkie if she would like to do a few of the things I once read she likes to do on her favorite weekend – go skinny-dipping in her pool; sing Karaoke in front of a mirror; play charades with 20 friends from Silverlake.  Elkie asks me to bring her to her boyfriend’s house above Sunset Plaza and wait outside.  I wait in the car all day.  Now it’s 10pm.  2am.  6am.  I dump Elkie’s luggage in the bushes next to the front door and drive home.

To the Mountain Top

Sunday mornings are for hiking in Runyon Canyon.  I wake up at three in the afternoon and drive to Runyon.  This is the best off-leash park in LA – I love this park.  It’s crowded and everybody talks to each other when their dogs stop and sniff each other.  The guys go shirtless.  The ladies wear tight workout gear and sports bras.  I don’t have a dog – I am a dog.  I hike up to the top and take the alternate trail down.  Sometimes I go too fast.  I knock over Colleen McGreggor – Colleen McGreggor who plays the paralegal on NBC’s “Law and Order” on Tuesday nights at 10 and she’s starring in New Lines’ “Pass Go” opening in theaters everywhere on October 28th!!!  I help her to her feet and try to dust her off, then I’m back on the trail.  I love this town, man.  It’s my favorite weekend.

END




P.S. Calling all wordsmiths.

Help find and add Left Coast written content. Here are a few ways to get involved:

* Become a part of our community that's building a lexicon of California terms -- both actual and fictitious. It's called The LaLa Dictionary.  Cull from your particular California community and send us a funny word or phrase, actual or fictitious. If we use it, we'll post it with your byline.  Send it via our Contact page, and be sure to write "Dictionary Submission" in the subject line.

* Do you have or know of any good essays or fiction about life in the Golden State?  We can act as a link to getting your work seen.  Send it via our Contact page, and be sure to write "Writing Submission" in the subject line.

* Suggest language-specific subject mattter that's in keeping with "Everything absurd under the sun."  Start up a list of quintessentially Californian baby names (e.g. Ocean, Misty, Fire, etc.).  Or perhaps humorous working titles or sequels of films (e.g. Bourne Again as a sequel to The Bourne Identity).  Send it via our Contact page, and be sure to write "Language Submission" in the subject line.

 

 
 

LALA